Discord's Discombobulating Discounts (T) [Comedy/Comic]
Apr 3, 2016 16:00:00 GMT -8
Post by lostmarbles on Apr 3, 2016 16:00:00 GMT -8
By Lost_Marbles
Originally posted on Fimfiction: www.fimfiction.net/story/265661/discords-discombobulating-discounts
Synopsis
Discord opens up shop in Ponyville. It's not like he's going to sell anything that would spread disharmony, right?
Right?
A novelization/adaptation of sorts of my first 24-hour comic that I started September 27th, 2014. Check below the official story for the original (as of yet unfinished) comic!
Right?
A novelization/adaptation of sorts of my first 24-hour comic that I started September 27th, 2014. Check below the official story for the original (as of yet unfinished) comic!
Chapter 1 - Discovery
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were making their way through one of the dirt roads of Ponyville, recalling tales of pranks past. “...and so I said, ‘Oatmeal!? Are you crazy?’”
“Haha! That one get’s me every time, Pinkster.” Rainbow laughed as she flew alongside of the bouncy Pinkie Pie. She stopped laughing and turned her ears. “Hey, Pinkie, do you hear that?”
Pinkie stopped her bouncing and swiveled her ears about.
Quack, quack! “Mrs. Mallard! Please come out.” Quack, quack!
Pinkie jumped in place. “That sounds like Fluttershy! It also sounds like she should eat less beans.”
Rainbow had to land she was laughing so hard. “She’s not tooting, she’s making duck calls.”
“Aren’t they the same thing?”
Rainbow grabbed her sides and laughed even harder. “Come on, Pinkie, let’s see what Fluttershy is up to.”
Rainbow and Pinkie turned the corner, and there a short hop and a skip away was Fluttershy. Her face was strained, her eyes were wide, and as she was rushing about, checking behind every stall and pony in the street, all while apologizing profusely to each pony she disturbed with her frantic hunting. Every few seconds, she would put a little brown thing that she held under her wing to her mouth and make a few quacking noises and timidly call out for somepony.
Seeing one of her best friends in such a state of worry made Rainbow cringe. She flew up to her side. “Fluttershy? What’s wrong?”
Fluttershy sprung at the sudden impact of Rainbow’s voice. It only took a moment, but she shook off the paralysis in her legs and smiled at Rainbow. “Oh, Rainbow Dash, it’s good to see you. I… I’m looking for Mrs. Mallard. I’m so very worried about her.”
Pinkie had caught up with Dash. “Who?”
“Mrs. Mallard. She’s a duck.”
“Oooooh.”
“Why are you looking for a duck?” asked Rainbow.
Fluttershy rubbed her front hooves together. “Well, I was walking Mrs. Mallard and her ducklings through the town to another pond, but we got separated! I couldn’t find her, so I took the ducklings home where they would be safe, and now I’m looking for Mrs. Mallard. She must be looking for her ducklings; I’m sure she’s worrying herself sick!”
Rainbow Dash puffed out her chest and thumped it with a hoof. “Don’t worry, Fluttershy. We’ll keep an eye out for her.”
“You will?” Fluttershy gave Rainbow a hug. “Oh, that is great! Thank you, Rainbow Dash!”
Rainbow smiled and spread her wings out a little more than usual. Yeah, I’m awesome.
Fluttershy let go of Rainbow. “I’ve searched everywhere we’ve been. She’s not at either lake, so she must be lost in the town somewhere. I’ve been asking around, but no one’s seen her since I lost her. Discord gave me this duck call to help and said that once he closed up shop he would turn the town upside down to help me find…”
Rainbow stopped listening to play back the last few words Fluttershy had said. “I’m sorry. Discord what?”
“Discord said he would help me after he closed up shop.”
“Close up shop?”
Fluttershy nodded. “Mm-hmm.”
Pinkie bounced in excitement. “Discord opened up a shop? Oh! I want to see that! Where is it?”
Fluttershy pointed right behind herself. There was a small outhouse with a large, brighter-than-the-sun sign with neon lights that were more at home in Las Pegasus. “Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts,” it said.
Rainbow furrowed her eyebrows and threw a foreleg over her eyes after she glanced in the direction of the sign. How did we not notice that earlier?
“Well, I’m sorry I can’t stay to talk. I must go look for Mrs. Mallard. Please send her to my home if you see her.” Fluttershy waved as she flew away.
“We will! Bye-bye!” Pinkie waved frantically and turned to Rainbow. “So, are we gonna look for Mrs. Mallard?”
Rainbow didn’t take her eyes off the building before her. “Yeah, but first, I want to see what Discord is up to.”
Rainbow walked up to the illuminated outhouse, a beacon built to lead the foolish into Discord’s trap, no doubt. She stopped just outside the door, which had a moon-shaped and a star-shaped hole. Rainbow walked around the outhouse once. There was no way Discord was doing any business here; it was only big enough for one pony to walk inside, let alone a draconequus.
Taking a deep breath, she tensed up as she pulled open the door and stuck her head in. Pinkie stuck her head in underneath Rainbow’s. “Wowie-wow-wow!”
Aisles upon aisles of goods were lined up and continued off into the horizon. Adverts for products on sale hung from the roof that was easily two or three stories tall; posters lined the wall announcing a variety of specials and limited time offers; and on the opposite end of the enormous building with its tidy tiled floor was a counter with a register and various knick-knacks strewn about in no particular order. Behind them was Discord, claw and paw extended over his head and a suspiciously large smile on his face as he greeted the two of them. “Welcome to Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts! We sell things!”
Pinkie bounced in and spun around, taking in all the store had to offer. “Wow! It’s bigger on the inside!”
Rainbow wouldn’t let this discrepancy of normalcy distract her from whatever conspiracy the draconequus had in store. Wow, now that she'd started reading Daring Do books, she was beginning to sound a bit like an egghead.
Rainbow kept her cool as she made her way to the counter, not taking her eyes off the draconequus working at said counter.
“Why, if it isn’t Ponyville’s two most famous pranksters: Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash! What brings you to my little shop?”
“What are you up to this time, Discord?” Rainbow sneered. “Up to your old tricks again, are you?”
Discord flinched and feigned hurt with some overdramatic gestures. “What, moi? I’ve been reformed, Dash! You should know, you were there! Can’t you see that I’m just trying to pass the time now that I’m no longer spreading chaos?”
“Uh-huh. Likely story. What is this place anyway?”
Discord looked to his left, then to his right, then to the counter in front of him, where Pinkie Pie was poking a wooden doodad with a net that was made to hold and support bananas. “Well, it looks to me I’m running a joke shop this time.”
“What do you mean ‘this time’?”
“Well, running the same shop day in and day out would get boring pretty quickly, wouldn’t you say? So with a little touch of chaotic magic, my shop changes with every visit! You never know what you’re going to get!”
Pinkie stopped poking the banana hammock. “Neat!”
“Then why are you in an outhouse, Discord?”
“It’s all I could afford! You may find it hard to believe, but despite the long hours and all the hard work that is required, being the Lord of Chaos doesn’t pay well.”
“Then why don’t you just magic up some bits, huh?”
Discord flinched and let out a huff. “Why, Dashie, I’m the Lord of Chaos! I have my standards. I’m not some lowly counterfeiter.”
The draconequus’ unwelcome use of her nickname made Rainbow twitch her eye. She forced a laugh. “Ha! You? Standards? Don’t make me laugh.”
The cheerful playfulness on Discord’s face disappeared as he put his fists to his sides. “You know, that hurts me, Rainbow. So, are you going to look around, or are you going to loiter?”
The two glared at each other in silence until Pinkie crashed the party. “Oooh! Are you having a staring contest?”
Rainbow huffed. “Fine. We’ll look around. Come on, Pinkie.” We can’t let our guards down. Who knows what he is planning.
“Okie-dokie-loki!” said Pinkie as she followed her into the closest aisle.
The aisles seemed to go on forever and were packed to the brim with everything Rainbow could imagine. From gag gifts, like snapping gum cases and blow-up stallion-in-a-cans; to the standard items, like fake doggy doo, buzzers, and sneezing powder; to the weird, like a knee variation of the arrow through the head prop, this store had everything a prankster could possibly want. The excitement of seeing so many pranking ideas was proving to be too much for Pinkie, as the more aisles they visited, the harder it was for her to remain (relatively) still. She even ran back to get a basket for all the little trinkets she just had to have for her next pranking spree. Rainbow herself was starting to get swept up by Pinkie’s excitement, but had to constantly remind herself that this was probably what Discord wanted. She wasn’t going to let Discord play her for a sap.
“So, see anything you like?”
“Huh-Wha?” Rainbow didn’t realize that she and Pinkie had already browsed through the entire store and rounded back to the register.
“Oh, you bet!” said Pinkie as she nosed her basket full of stuff to Discord. He glanced over each item as his eagle claw swiftly flew over the keys to the register. A number popped up, and the register opened with a belch. Something big, round, blue and red flew out of it and landed with a splat in front of Rainbow.
A decapitated pony head with blood oozing out of its empty eye sockets stared at Rainbow.
She screamed.
It took her a moment to recover from the bump to the head she got when she flew into the roof, but when she did, she saw Pinkie and Discord were laughing uncontrollably. Still shaking from the adrenaline, Rainbow jumped on the counter and shoved a hoof into Discord’s face. “What’s the big idea!?”
Wiping a tear away, Discord took a deep breath to control his laughter. “Why Dashie, did you forget this is a joke shop? It’s just a prop! You passed several of these in aisle 13!”
Rainbow turned her head back to the prop, which was squeaking and extending its tongue under Pinkie’s hoof. She giggled and noticed that some blood had got on her hoof. She brought it to her nose, sniffed it, then put it in her mouth.
“Pinkie! No!
“Oooh! Cherry!”
“See, Dashie? I’m just running a shop. Nothing bad here.”
Rainbow gave a “harumph” as she lowered herself off of the counter. She fought to keep her glare and her body tense.
Discord put on a sly smile. “Tell you what, I’ll give you an extra discount and throw in a little gift as a sign of my friendship. What do you say?”
Pinkie bounced up and down. “Oh! That would be fantastic!”
Rainbow turned her head and raised an eyebrow. “What kind of gift?”
After bagging Pinkie’s goods, Discord flipped the counter over with a “tada!” Amazingly, the doodads that littered the counter before stuck to the counter instead of flying everywhere. Now, in their place on a perfectly clean countertop was a single purple packet.
On the packet was a purple pony with berries for a cutie mark drinking a purple drink from a glass. Her tail was raised, and a green cloud was fluffing out her rear. The text that surrounded the pony were as follows: “Pungent Punch: Berry Butt Blast.”
Rainbow and Pinkie just stared at the packet.
“It’s just juice.”
Discord clapped his claw and paw together and gave them both a toothy grin. “It’s more than just juice!” He grabbed the packet and tore it open with one of his eagle talons while the… things… on the back of his tail snapped together and the pitcher magically filled itself with water and mixed the powder in a mini-whirlpool. Discord picked up the pitcher and filled a glass that appeared in his claw. He placed the cup in front of Rainbow.
Rainbow looked between the glass, Discord, and his overly eager smile. “I’m not drinking that.”
Discord put a tiny umbrella in the drink. “How ‘bout now?”
“Still not drinking it.”
“I’ll drink it!”
“Pinkie, no! Discord, we are not drinking it until you drink it.”
“Fine,” Discord said as he rolled his eyes. He grabbed the drink and downed it in one gulp, plopped down on his elbows, and fixed his eyes on Rainbow and started counting down. “30… 29… 28…“
Rainbow watched Discord from the corner of her eyes and lifted an eyebrow. A low gurgle in her belly made her knees buckle. “What in the…”
“It seems to be working. 24… 23…”
Rainbow lept into the air and jabbed a hoof into Discord’s face. “What do you mean ‘It seems to be working?’ You drank it!”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Yes, but I didn’t ingest it. You never specified whose stomach the drink should be in.”
Pinkie scratched her chin with her hoof. “Don’t ‘drink’ and ‘ingest’ mean the same thing?”
“Pfft. Semantics. 10… 9… 8…”
Rainbow squeezed her head between her hooves, staring down but not focusing on anything ahead of her. The pressure continued to build in her stomach and she fought back the urge to gag. The grumbling grew louder and louder, turning into a roar that her stomach couldn’t contain. She couldn’t hear herself think. Pinkie jumped behind the counter with Discord. “SHE’S GONNA BLOW!”
“5… 4… 3…”
She knew it. Discord was up to his old tricks. Ponyville wouldn’t be safe as long as this abomination of a shop stayed open.
The pressure in her stomach continued to build.
“2… 1… 0…”
Rainbow clenched her eyes shut. There was still so much she wanted to do! Goodbye, friends! Take good care of Tank for me. And kill Discord while you’re at it.
Silence.
Rainbow pried an eye open. There in front of her was Pinkie, peeking over the counter next to a smug draconequus. Both of them had donned helmets and safety goggles.
Looking herself over, Rainbow failed to see any changes. Everything was still accounted for, and she felt much better, except for some pressure in her stomach. Rainbow grinned.
“Ha! It didn’t do anything. Told you it was just…”
A deafening blast of air escaped Rainbow’s backside. Her tail whipped about in the wind. Her cheeks were on fire as she watched her best friend and her worst enemy use each other for support.
“Hahaha. Oh Celestia, Dashie, did you step on a duck?”
“Ohoho! Rainbow, goodness gracious, did you just release a sonic rainboom in my store? Where are you manners, young lady?”
Pinkie fell over, since Discord wasn’t there to support her any more after Rainbow tackled him. “What did you do to me!?”
Discord wiped away a tear with his paw. “Settle down, Rainbow, it’s harmless.” He held up the packet in front of Rainbow’s face. “Pungent Punch is a line of prank drinks. It is punch mixed with magically super-concentrated fiber, turning anyone who takes a drink of this into a walking butt bomb. On average, it takes thirty seconds to take effect. Legal in every province of Equestria.” Discord turned away from the two, scratched his chin and muttered, “Or was it illegal? I always get those two confused.”
Pinkie skipped over. “Wow, Discord, you really know your pranking stuff.”
Discord stroked his beard and looked up. “Yes, I’ve gone through my own pranking phase, too. I liked it so much I made it a recurring thing.”
Rainbow put more pressure on Discord’s ribs. “It wasn’t funny.”
Discord snapped his claws, and Rainbow was lifted off of Discord’s chest. “Oh, of course it was.” He looked down at the fuming mare in front of him and scratched his head. “You look a little steamed, Rainbow.” Just then, steam whistled out of Rainbow’s ears. She clamped them shut with her hooves, but the steam only whistled out her nose. She bared her teeth and lunged at Discord again, but he teleported out of the way and next to the register.
“Tell you what, I’m sorry for making my very first customers so angry.” He smacked the register, which opened with a ding, and pulled out the bits that Pinkie gave him and poured them into the bag of goodies. “I’ll give you a full refund, let you keep the gift, and give you the remainder of this punch. You can keep the jug as well. What do you say?”
Pinkie bounced up and down. “Oh wow, really? Discord, that’s awfully nice of you!”
Rainbow bit her lip and harrumphed.
“Come on, Dashie. I’m trying to be nice here, this is costing me an arm and a leg. Don’t be so cold.” The now one-armed one-legged draconequus hopped over to Rainbow and wiped snow off her shoulders. “Besides, the punch will wear off in a few minutes.”
Rainbow took a step back. “Fine, just stop calling me Dashie. Let’s go, Pinkie.” As she turned to walk away, she heard a small cheek squeak escape behind her. She ignored the muffled giggles.
“Thank you, Discord!” Pinkie ran up and gave Discord a hug. She took the bag of goodies and bits while Discord placed the pitcher of punch on her head.
The one-armed draconequus waved to Rainbow and Pinkie as they left, but only Pinkie looked back and waved. Rainbow continued straight out of the door and just kept walking, never looking back.
“Can you believe it, Pinkie? That Discord. Him and his no-good shop. Why, I oughtta… Pinkie?” Rainbow looked around and saw that she was mumbling to herself. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before slowly looking back behind her.
There was Pinkie. She was opening the front door to Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts, sticking her head in, pulling it out, slamming the door shut, then repeating. Rainbow flew over and landed on Pinkie’s back. “Come on, Pinkster, let’s get out of here.”
“Just a minute, Dashie. Oh, look! It’s a Japonese restaurant!”
Rainbow poked her head in, and there was Discord behind a hitachi grill. “Yookoso, poni-tachi!”
Pinkie closed the door and looked again. “Oh! It’s a toy store.”
And again.
“Hey, a used chariot dealer!”
And again.
“Oh, now it’s Sugar Cube Corner! Hi, Mrs. Cake!”
Rainbow rolled her eyes and sighed. “Come on, Pinkie. We’ve seen enough.”
“Just one more!” Pinkie closed and open the door again. Rainbow turned around and was ready to leave.
“Oh my! This one is full of dancing stallions with banana hammocks!”
I guess one more peek wouldn’t hurt.
“Haha! That one get’s me every time, Pinkster.” Rainbow laughed as she flew alongside of the bouncy Pinkie Pie. She stopped laughing and turned her ears. “Hey, Pinkie, do you hear that?”
Pinkie stopped her bouncing and swiveled her ears about.
Quack, quack! “Mrs. Mallard! Please come out.” Quack, quack!
Pinkie jumped in place. “That sounds like Fluttershy! It also sounds like she should eat less beans.”
Rainbow had to land she was laughing so hard. “She’s not tooting, she’s making duck calls.”
“Aren’t they the same thing?”
Rainbow grabbed her sides and laughed even harder. “Come on, Pinkie, let’s see what Fluttershy is up to.”
Rainbow and Pinkie turned the corner, and there a short hop and a skip away was Fluttershy. Her face was strained, her eyes were wide, and as she was rushing about, checking behind every stall and pony in the street, all while apologizing profusely to each pony she disturbed with her frantic hunting. Every few seconds, she would put a little brown thing that she held under her wing to her mouth and make a few quacking noises and timidly call out for somepony.
Seeing one of her best friends in such a state of worry made Rainbow cringe. She flew up to her side. “Fluttershy? What’s wrong?”
Fluttershy sprung at the sudden impact of Rainbow’s voice. It only took a moment, but she shook off the paralysis in her legs and smiled at Rainbow. “Oh, Rainbow Dash, it’s good to see you. I… I’m looking for Mrs. Mallard. I’m so very worried about her.”
Pinkie had caught up with Dash. “Who?”
“Mrs. Mallard. She’s a duck.”
“Oooooh.”
“Why are you looking for a duck?” asked Rainbow.
Fluttershy rubbed her front hooves together. “Well, I was walking Mrs. Mallard and her ducklings through the town to another pond, but we got separated! I couldn’t find her, so I took the ducklings home where they would be safe, and now I’m looking for Mrs. Mallard. She must be looking for her ducklings; I’m sure she’s worrying herself sick!”
Rainbow Dash puffed out her chest and thumped it with a hoof. “Don’t worry, Fluttershy. We’ll keep an eye out for her.”
“You will?” Fluttershy gave Rainbow a hug. “Oh, that is great! Thank you, Rainbow Dash!”
Rainbow smiled and spread her wings out a little more than usual. Yeah, I’m awesome.
Fluttershy let go of Rainbow. “I’ve searched everywhere we’ve been. She’s not at either lake, so she must be lost in the town somewhere. I’ve been asking around, but no one’s seen her since I lost her. Discord gave me this duck call to help and said that once he closed up shop he would turn the town upside down to help me find…”
Rainbow stopped listening to play back the last few words Fluttershy had said. “I’m sorry. Discord what?”
“Discord said he would help me after he closed up shop.”
“Close up shop?”
Fluttershy nodded. “Mm-hmm.”
Pinkie bounced in excitement. “Discord opened up a shop? Oh! I want to see that! Where is it?”
Fluttershy pointed right behind herself. There was a small outhouse with a large, brighter-than-the-sun sign with neon lights that were more at home in Las Pegasus. “Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts,” it said.
Rainbow furrowed her eyebrows and threw a foreleg over her eyes after she glanced in the direction of the sign. How did we not notice that earlier?
“Well, I’m sorry I can’t stay to talk. I must go look for Mrs. Mallard. Please send her to my home if you see her.” Fluttershy waved as she flew away.
“We will! Bye-bye!” Pinkie waved frantically and turned to Rainbow. “So, are we gonna look for Mrs. Mallard?”
Rainbow didn’t take her eyes off the building before her. “Yeah, but first, I want to see what Discord is up to.”
Rainbow walked up to the illuminated outhouse, a beacon built to lead the foolish into Discord’s trap, no doubt. She stopped just outside the door, which had a moon-shaped and a star-shaped hole. Rainbow walked around the outhouse once. There was no way Discord was doing any business here; it was only big enough for one pony to walk inside, let alone a draconequus.
Taking a deep breath, she tensed up as she pulled open the door and stuck her head in. Pinkie stuck her head in underneath Rainbow’s. “Wowie-wow-wow!”
Aisles upon aisles of goods were lined up and continued off into the horizon. Adverts for products on sale hung from the roof that was easily two or three stories tall; posters lined the wall announcing a variety of specials and limited time offers; and on the opposite end of the enormous building with its tidy tiled floor was a counter with a register and various knick-knacks strewn about in no particular order. Behind them was Discord, claw and paw extended over his head and a suspiciously large smile on his face as he greeted the two of them. “Welcome to Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts! We sell things!”
Pinkie bounced in and spun around, taking in all the store had to offer. “Wow! It’s bigger on the inside!”
Rainbow wouldn’t let this discrepancy of normalcy distract her from whatever conspiracy the draconequus had in store. Wow, now that she'd started reading Daring Do books, she was beginning to sound a bit like an egghead.
Rainbow kept her cool as she made her way to the counter, not taking her eyes off the draconequus working at said counter.
“Why, if it isn’t Ponyville’s two most famous pranksters: Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash! What brings you to my little shop?”
“What are you up to this time, Discord?” Rainbow sneered. “Up to your old tricks again, are you?”
Discord flinched and feigned hurt with some overdramatic gestures. “What, moi? I’ve been reformed, Dash! You should know, you were there! Can’t you see that I’m just trying to pass the time now that I’m no longer spreading chaos?”
“Uh-huh. Likely story. What is this place anyway?”
Discord looked to his left, then to his right, then to the counter in front of him, where Pinkie Pie was poking a wooden doodad with a net that was made to hold and support bananas. “Well, it looks to me I’m running a joke shop this time.”
“What do you mean ‘this time’?”
“Well, running the same shop day in and day out would get boring pretty quickly, wouldn’t you say? So with a little touch of chaotic magic, my shop changes with every visit! You never know what you’re going to get!”
Pinkie stopped poking the banana hammock. “Neat!”
“Then why are you in an outhouse, Discord?”
“It’s all I could afford! You may find it hard to believe, but despite the long hours and all the hard work that is required, being the Lord of Chaos doesn’t pay well.”
“Then why don’t you just magic up some bits, huh?”
Discord flinched and let out a huff. “Why, Dashie, I’m the Lord of Chaos! I have my standards. I’m not some lowly counterfeiter.”
The draconequus’ unwelcome use of her nickname made Rainbow twitch her eye. She forced a laugh. “Ha! You? Standards? Don’t make me laugh.”
The cheerful playfulness on Discord’s face disappeared as he put his fists to his sides. “You know, that hurts me, Rainbow. So, are you going to look around, or are you going to loiter?”
The two glared at each other in silence until Pinkie crashed the party. “Oooh! Are you having a staring contest?”
Rainbow huffed. “Fine. We’ll look around. Come on, Pinkie.” We can’t let our guards down. Who knows what he is planning.
“Okie-dokie-loki!” said Pinkie as she followed her into the closest aisle.
The aisles seemed to go on forever and were packed to the brim with everything Rainbow could imagine. From gag gifts, like snapping gum cases and blow-up stallion-in-a-cans; to the standard items, like fake doggy doo, buzzers, and sneezing powder; to the weird, like a knee variation of the arrow through the head prop, this store had everything a prankster could possibly want. The excitement of seeing so many pranking ideas was proving to be too much for Pinkie, as the more aisles they visited, the harder it was for her to remain (relatively) still. She even ran back to get a basket for all the little trinkets she just had to have for her next pranking spree. Rainbow herself was starting to get swept up by Pinkie’s excitement, but had to constantly remind herself that this was probably what Discord wanted. She wasn’t going to let Discord play her for a sap.
“So, see anything you like?”
“Huh-Wha?” Rainbow didn’t realize that she and Pinkie had already browsed through the entire store and rounded back to the register.
“Oh, you bet!” said Pinkie as she nosed her basket full of stuff to Discord. He glanced over each item as his eagle claw swiftly flew over the keys to the register. A number popped up, and the register opened with a belch. Something big, round, blue and red flew out of it and landed with a splat in front of Rainbow.
A decapitated pony head with blood oozing out of its empty eye sockets stared at Rainbow.
She screamed.
It took her a moment to recover from the bump to the head she got when she flew into the roof, but when she did, she saw Pinkie and Discord were laughing uncontrollably. Still shaking from the adrenaline, Rainbow jumped on the counter and shoved a hoof into Discord’s face. “What’s the big idea!?”
Wiping a tear away, Discord took a deep breath to control his laughter. “Why Dashie, did you forget this is a joke shop? It’s just a prop! You passed several of these in aisle 13!”
Rainbow turned her head back to the prop, which was squeaking and extending its tongue under Pinkie’s hoof. She giggled and noticed that some blood had got on her hoof. She brought it to her nose, sniffed it, then put it in her mouth.
“Pinkie! No!
“Oooh! Cherry!”
“See, Dashie? I’m just running a shop. Nothing bad here.”
Rainbow gave a “harumph” as she lowered herself off of the counter. She fought to keep her glare and her body tense.
Discord put on a sly smile. “Tell you what, I’ll give you an extra discount and throw in a little gift as a sign of my friendship. What do you say?”
Pinkie bounced up and down. “Oh! That would be fantastic!”
Rainbow turned her head and raised an eyebrow. “What kind of gift?”
After bagging Pinkie’s goods, Discord flipped the counter over with a “tada!” Amazingly, the doodads that littered the counter before stuck to the counter instead of flying everywhere. Now, in their place on a perfectly clean countertop was a single purple packet.
On the packet was a purple pony with berries for a cutie mark drinking a purple drink from a glass. Her tail was raised, and a green cloud was fluffing out her rear. The text that surrounded the pony were as follows: “Pungent Punch: Berry Butt Blast.”
Rainbow and Pinkie just stared at the packet.
“It’s just juice.”
Discord clapped his claw and paw together and gave them both a toothy grin. “It’s more than just juice!” He grabbed the packet and tore it open with one of his eagle talons while the… things… on the back of his tail snapped together and the pitcher magically filled itself with water and mixed the powder in a mini-whirlpool. Discord picked up the pitcher and filled a glass that appeared in his claw. He placed the cup in front of Rainbow.
Rainbow looked between the glass, Discord, and his overly eager smile. “I’m not drinking that.”
Discord put a tiny umbrella in the drink. “How ‘bout now?”
“Still not drinking it.”
“I’ll drink it!”
“Pinkie, no! Discord, we are not drinking it until you drink it.”
“Fine,” Discord said as he rolled his eyes. He grabbed the drink and downed it in one gulp, plopped down on his elbows, and fixed his eyes on Rainbow and started counting down. “30… 29… 28…“
Rainbow watched Discord from the corner of her eyes and lifted an eyebrow. A low gurgle in her belly made her knees buckle. “What in the…”
“It seems to be working. 24… 23…”
Rainbow lept into the air and jabbed a hoof into Discord’s face. “What do you mean ‘It seems to be working?’ You drank it!”
Discord rolled his eyes. “Yes, but I didn’t ingest it. You never specified whose stomach the drink should be in.”
Pinkie scratched her chin with her hoof. “Don’t ‘drink’ and ‘ingest’ mean the same thing?”
“Pfft. Semantics. 10… 9… 8…”
Rainbow squeezed her head between her hooves, staring down but not focusing on anything ahead of her. The pressure continued to build in her stomach and she fought back the urge to gag. The grumbling grew louder and louder, turning into a roar that her stomach couldn’t contain. She couldn’t hear herself think. Pinkie jumped behind the counter with Discord. “SHE’S GONNA BLOW!”
“5… 4… 3…”
She knew it. Discord was up to his old tricks. Ponyville wouldn’t be safe as long as this abomination of a shop stayed open.
The pressure in her stomach continued to build.
“2… 1… 0…”
Rainbow clenched her eyes shut. There was still so much she wanted to do! Goodbye, friends! Take good care of Tank for me. And kill Discord while you’re at it.
Silence.
Rainbow pried an eye open. There in front of her was Pinkie, peeking over the counter next to a smug draconequus. Both of them had donned helmets and safety goggles.
Looking herself over, Rainbow failed to see any changes. Everything was still accounted for, and she felt much better, except for some pressure in her stomach. Rainbow grinned.
“Ha! It didn’t do anything. Told you it was just…”
A deafening blast of air escaped Rainbow’s backside. Her tail whipped about in the wind. Her cheeks were on fire as she watched her best friend and her worst enemy use each other for support.
“Hahaha. Oh Celestia, Dashie, did you step on a duck?”
“Ohoho! Rainbow, goodness gracious, did you just release a sonic rainboom in my store? Where are you manners, young lady?”
Pinkie fell over, since Discord wasn’t there to support her any more after Rainbow tackled him. “What did you do to me!?”
Discord wiped away a tear with his paw. “Settle down, Rainbow, it’s harmless.” He held up the packet in front of Rainbow’s face. “Pungent Punch is a line of prank drinks. It is punch mixed with magically super-concentrated fiber, turning anyone who takes a drink of this into a walking butt bomb. On average, it takes thirty seconds to take effect. Legal in every province of Equestria.” Discord turned away from the two, scratched his chin and muttered, “Or was it illegal? I always get those two confused.”
Pinkie skipped over. “Wow, Discord, you really know your pranking stuff.”
Discord stroked his beard and looked up. “Yes, I’ve gone through my own pranking phase, too. I liked it so much I made it a recurring thing.”
Rainbow put more pressure on Discord’s ribs. “It wasn’t funny.”
Discord snapped his claws, and Rainbow was lifted off of Discord’s chest. “Oh, of course it was.” He looked down at the fuming mare in front of him and scratched his head. “You look a little steamed, Rainbow.” Just then, steam whistled out of Rainbow’s ears. She clamped them shut with her hooves, but the steam only whistled out her nose. She bared her teeth and lunged at Discord again, but he teleported out of the way and next to the register.
“Tell you what, I’m sorry for making my very first customers so angry.” He smacked the register, which opened with a ding, and pulled out the bits that Pinkie gave him and poured them into the bag of goodies. “I’ll give you a full refund, let you keep the gift, and give you the remainder of this punch. You can keep the jug as well. What do you say?”
Pinkie bounced up and down. “Oh wow, really? Discord, that’s awfully nice of you!”
Rainbow bit her lip and harrumphed.
“Come on, Dashie. I’m trying to be nice here, this is costing me an arm and a leg. Don’t be so cold.” The now one-armed one-legged draconequus hopped over to Rainbow and wiped snow off her shoulders. “Besides, the punch will wear off in a few minutes.”
Rainbow took a step back. “Fine, just stop calling me Dashie. Let’s go, Pinkie.” As she turned to walk away, she heard a small cheek squeak escape behind her. She ignored the muffled giggles.
“Thank you, Discord!” Pinkie ran up and gave Discord a hug. She took the bag of goodies and bits while Discord placed the pitcher of punch on her head.
The one-armed draconequus waved to Rainbow and Pinkie as they left, but only Pinkie looked back and waved. Rainbow continued straight out of the door and just kept walking, never looking back.
“Can you believe it, Pinkie? That Discord. Him and his no-good shop. Why, I oughtta… Pinkie?” Rainbow looked around and saw that she was mumbling to herself. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before slowly looking back behind her.
There was Pinkie. She was opening the front door to Discord’s Discombobulating Discounts, sticking her head in, pulling it out, slamming the door shut, then repeating. Rainbow flew over and landed on Pinkie’s back. “Come on, Pinkster, let’s get out of here.”
“Just a minute, Dashie. Oh, look! It’s a Japonese restaurant!”
Rainbow poked her head in, and there was Discord behind a hitachi grill. “Yookoso, poni-tachi!”
Pinkie closed the door and looked again. “Oh! It’s a toy store.”
And again.
“Hey, a used chariot dealer!”
And again.
“Oh, now it’s Sugar Cube Corner! Hi, Mrs. Cake!”
Rainbow rolled her eyes and sighed. “Come on, Pinkie. We’ve seen enough.”
“Just one more!” Pinkie closed and open the door again. Rainbow turned around and was ready to leave.
“Oh my! This one is full of dancing stallions with banana hammocks!”
I guess one more peek wouldn’t hurt.
